Anything Worth Having...

Hate to make announcements. BUT, I think I need to finish my book before I do anything else.

Moving to an undisclosed location to write. Roger that?

Out.

The Final 48

The last night in Pee Pee, I ended up slicing my foot on a nail that was protruding from the wooden stairs leading up to the dungeon. (Stop worrying worriers, I have all my shots, including Tet.) So, I left a nice trail of blood all over my room, and contemplated finding a 7-11 or just McGuyvering my way through emergency repair. I rinsed off cut with ghetto bidet, found some Crest White Strips, which are loaded with peroxide, and used the rest of the toilet paper to bind wound. Ran to the pharmacy the next morning and properly mended cut.

Again, went to see Winnie until the ferry and paid some guy to carry my bag to the pier. Mostly, because I could.

Slept throughout the two-hour ferry ride to Patong and felt a second surge of energy, although I was looking like a dufus because I had on one of my cute sundresses and my Ecco shoes. Couldn't wear flip-flops due to bandage/cut situation. Not sexy at ALL! I found my driver and he loaded my duffel into the back and had me sit in the front seat, right in the middle. I figured I was the last one on the van so I spread out and decided to take a serious nap. Just as I was about to splay myself all over the front seat, the van door opens and I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing because getting in right beside me was a gorgeous man with auburn hair/3 day auburn growth attached to an equally gorgeous face and fit and I started to have a panic attack on the spot. I contemplated saying something but couldn't get the words out. I started to get the courage up to say the usual "where are you from" and prayed on all things holy it would be anywhere but Sweden.

"I'm from Sweden, my name is Magnus."

Of course. Of bloody course you are and it is and I knew I was in deep doo-doo. Next thing he was going to tell me that he was 40.

"And I'm 40."

Right.

Anyway, turns out he was with his buddy Roger traveling and what not, and they were nice enough to take me out that night to a tradition Swedish dinner (Scandi's all over, still!) and actually treated me. So far from the bucket-wielding, jump-roping, up-chucking teen-fest of Pee Pee. Was starting to get my groove back in spades. Walked on beach, do the math.

The next day I had to catch a cab then a plane back to Bangkok, so packed it up, said good bye to Priew Wan and headed to Phuket Int'l Airport.

Airport/flight was relatively painless, but was feeling the cut/lack of sleep/sun/beer/etc. and was looking forward to a nice quiet evening back at Sukhumvit 23. I booked the same hotel and knew the lay-out of the neighborhood. I contemplated Koh San Road but thought better of it. The cab ride from the airport seemed unusually long, but it was a Saturday afternoon and took about half the time of my original Friday afternoon rush-hour ride. I finally arrived at Citadines, paid the cab, checked-in and collapsed on my bed.

Planning an early one, but undeterred and determined to go and have on last look. Still in the dress from the night before, I threw on my flip flops and headed out. Internet, dinner, bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide and a couple of beers with the girls at Tilac and then early bed, air-con and HBO.

As I approached Tilac, Mamasan and the girls all ran up to hug me, then showed me to a seat at the outdoor bar, where I could watch Denmark play Thailand in exhibition footy. "Perfect," I thought. "A bit a footy, a couple of cold ones and beddy-bye!"

Right. This is me we are talking about. ME! Guess what happens next?

I look to my left, and yet again, a gorgeous, tall red-head sitting there toggling between smiling at me and watching the match.

"What's in the bag?"

"Peroxide, I cut my foot in Pee Pee."

Meet Ben the corrupter. From Denmark. Tall, fit, blue-eyed Ben who looked about 25 and of course, was a wonderful, gorgeous 40.

The next thing I know he is on the phone calling all of his friends and trying to talk me into going out with them and as it was my last night in Bangkok and I will surely sleep when I die, I said "Sure."

Now, I have at least 5 new ex-pat friends in BKK, people to stay with and go-out with and that, my friends, is the beauty of travel. Thanks Bangkok Ben! MUAH!

As I completed my journey, in and out of airports back to SFO I realized something for the first time. I had finally, FINALLY realized how wonderful it felt to be in my 40's. I've never been ashamed or lied about my age...never had to really. But, something changed this trip. I have no idea what, why, how, etc. I feel so at ease in my own skin. Although, I don't feel comfortable with the extra 20 pounds that have appeared over the last few years, but that's just something easily removed. More to the point, I'm finally OK with my choices. I'm great being single. I love my independence. I'm thirsting for more but no longer searching for excuses as to who I am or why I do what I do. Could have been the air, the Buddhist vibe, or just being back on the road. I wasn't really searching for anything profound, but something found me. My mojo...my groove. And it came back with a vengeance.

It's time to finish that book.

HGGHGB-Part Three

On Sunday morning, I dragged my backpack from the 4th floor of Priew Wan Guesthouse and waited for the van to take me to the ferry. I was quite happy about my decision to book through TAT because all of my transfers we taken care of in-advance so I never really had to yank out any BAHT for these minor nuisances which made the multitude of journey's bearable. After about an hour, we arrived to the frenzy of the ferry building: hotel hawkers, tour-shouters, etc. I found what I was looking for: the beer guy. I grabbed two cold Singha's and a giant water and headed to the stairs. While I waited to get herded onto the deck, I hooked up with a lovely Aussie couple on honeymoon. We quickly realized that the place to be was top-deck and set up camp right in the middle. We shared beers and snacks, and then I took a nap for about an hour until we reached the coves leading to Ko Phi Phi Island, the scene where "The Beach" was filmed. It was majestic and lovely and I was certain this would be the highlight of my trip.

"PEE-PEE"

We cruised through Ton Sai Bay leading to the pier and I was amazed at this tiny village, which I knew had been decimated by the 2005 Tsunami. It was pretty incredible how built-up I assumed it had become, because I couldn't even tell anything had happened. Some complained about it, saying it used to be small and quaint and lovely, but I had nothing to compare it to so I wasn't chuffed about it at all. I said goodbye to the love-birds and made my way through the village, asking anyone who would listen "where is the White?" which would later become my anthem throughout the entire week.

I found the White, was asked to remove my shoes, and then led up to a tiny room, which had a safe, shower, ghetto bidet, bed, air-con and TV. However, it was a serious dungeon and I counted it as a blessing because it would force me to get the hell out and venture. I gathered my usual supplies: surfer wallet in same-size black macrame bag, and mini back pack with sunscreen, two sarongs, and water...hat, glasses, lipstick. (Need to have one glamour-bit!) Five minutes in the room to chuck passport in safe, have a wee and head out!

I walked around for about an hour and tried to get my bearings, then found a great little perch by the Chao Koh PP Lodge and had a bite and a huge smoothie to try and stay somewhat healthy, then as I do, ordered a large frosty Chang. I sat in anticipation of the sunset and pondered my options. I had scheduled 5 nights and had absolutely no idea what I was in for. My plan was to find another cabana boy and sit on my arse for the entire week, but as I examined the lay-out it was becoming increasingly clear that there were no cabana boys, umbrellas or lounge chairs anywhere and my hopes of being waited on were sure to be dashed. Ah well, I just would make-do. Just as the sun was sinking, I heard, for the first time in my life, the call to prayer. Turns out, this was a Muslim Island and the mosque was right behind me. It was both beautiful and haunting and I wandered off in thought for a moment then felt grateful to have the freedom to be sitting there, with a beer, watching the sunset...alive. After all, this was the scene of a terrible natural disaster. I reflected upon it, shed a tear and left.

Back to the dungeon to shower and change for the evening, then off to see how the night would fare.

Bear in mind, this place is tiny. T-I-N-Y!!!!! You can cover the entire village in five minutes, so it starts to play tricks with your mind. Kind of like a tiny Venice. I grabbed my wallet, threw on one of my Chiang Mai dressed in search of fun. Around the corner from my place, I found a pub called the "Sportsbar," which would prove to become my "local" as the week wore on. Not that there was anything special about it, except for Winnie. Winnie the legend. A five-foot, beefy little spitfire (pictured with me above) who would prove to be my sister, friend and protector in any and all times of need. It was also great because it was full of English guys, so I could actually hold court and be understood. I was quickly becoming tired of the Scandinavian buzz around me and needed a fix.

Next, I found a little hipster bar owned by an Irish ex-pat, who was very nice but couldn't remember a drink to save his life. He was happy chatting and I was about to jump back there and friggin' start making drinks myself because it was so painful to watch. I quickly met up with two Danish girls and an American dive instructor from Seattle named Chris. We chatted away until all hours, then I went in-search of some street food and my pillow. This was the first of many night I would shout my now-famous catch-phrase: "Where is the White? THE WHITE??"

Up the next day with bikini and supplies, wandered around and had my morning watermelon smoothie from the Muslim lady with the fruit stand. Around 11 I came upon 3 lads from Newcastle, and after adjusting my ears to their accent we had a nice chat. They decided that they wanted to rent a boat and scoot out to Maya Bay and invited me along and I turned them down because I was a bit nervous going out with three strangers to a secluded spot. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Right. Of course I said yes, so we hopped on a boat and through a wave of ganja smoke via our driver, headed out to the spot where part of "The Beach" was filmed. The little cove where the Swedish guy bites it from the shark attack. Anyway, we swam around for about two hours, then through more smoke, headed back to the pier where I bid them farewell as they headed to Patong via the same ferry.

I sat on the beach, slept, pondered, wondered what it would be like to have a certain person there with me, thought better of it, pondered more then realized it was time to look for a spot to catch the sunset. I returned to Chao Koh, same frosty Chang and same call to prayer. Rinse, repeat.

Back to the dungeon, out for a quick bite, a few with Winnie and then just headed back around 9. Wasn't feeling it at all. Thought a good night's sleep would be good for me. It proved to be a great idea. I needed it. So much sun, etc. But, was already getting bored of the Pee Pee.

THE WHITE, WINNIE AND WANDERING

Up the next day, same old same old. Back to say hi to Winnie and have a wander. Was beginning to show signs of travel: lost toenail, sun burnt bum, the usual pity-party. Just as I was about to get to the internet and back to Patong, I was randomly joined by baby-faced 21 year-old Danish Patrick, who's party had abandoned him for a sailing trip. We had a few beers and a nice chat that afternoon and then joined his friends and their enclave at the tip of Loh Dalum Bay. I was used to the Danish by then quickly craving an open-faced sandwich and a Carlsburg. Nicely enough, I was invited to a birthday party for the evening, for a Danish girl named Mia who turned out to be absolutely lovely! We went to some dodgy seafood dinner and then for some unknown reason, as everyone started singing Happy Birthday, I chimed in with the "You Look Like a Monkey" version and after a bit of awkward silence, received a rousing round of applause. I have no idea what possessed me, but it seemed to endear me to the group and I was allowed to hang around for a few more hours.

After dinner, we went to a beach bar named "Ibiza" where upon arrival, were greeting by a petrol-infused jump rope, that was being spun around in hopes of drunken buffoons trying their luck at getting through it without getting burned. I didn't see one person make it through. Idiots. I would have made a fortune sitting on the sidelines with a bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide, a tube of Bactroban and some gauze. The next thing I know, there are multiple "buckets" of alcohol/juice concoctions flying around and every time a straw came near my mouth, I would quickly take a swill of beer and smile. "I don't do spirits" was my other catch-phrase, because I know better. I quickly felt like I was in Cancun and started to once again, pine for Sugar Beer Bar and a dance-off with Shrek.

Walked poor swaying Patrick home, which wasn't easy as he was about 6'3" and completely bollocked. I was becoming the town mommy. Of course, that doesn't erase the fact that once again, "WHERE IS THE WHITE? THE WHIIIIIIIIIITE?" Yep, still couldn't bloody find my place, as sober and clear-headed as I was.

The Danes left for Patong the next day, which quickly became a theme for me. Probably better anyway. The prize though, Mia and I are still in touch! Sweeeet!

Thought I would give the other side of the island a chance so I went to Loh Dalum Bay and found a great little place called the Monkey Bar. It was perfect for me, all of the staff were either in dread-locks, or mohawks, or tattoo's or some such thing, but the glorious part was the Reggae booming from the speakers. It was glorious. For about an hour. While I was entertained by the parasailing extravaganza going on in front of said Monkey Bar, the smell of gasoline was getting to me, so in a huff, I gathered my things and headed down the beach. Great idea. As I looked around I noticed a sea of perfectly tanned, YOUNG, gorgeous Scandi's and if you know anything about these people they are all stunning. Every stinking one of them. How in the world does a breed of people get to be super tan AND blonde....naturally! WTF? Now I am a very confident woman and still ain't so hard to look at, but this was even hard for me to bear. Still, Ihad my moments...

(This is where I am going to insert a small, teeny tiny rant.)

Girls, and I do mean "girls." I am NOT interested in your teen-age boyfriends so please stop with the turned-up nose and stink-eye. Honestly, those days are gone. There are PLENTY of gorgeous, fit, hot, smart, sexy single men my age and I am quite happy to fish in that pond. I can think of 10 right this second, off the top of my head...two whom I would meet later, a couple in SF, my friend Nick the Greek from the Busabout days and one very sexy 38 year-old Viking who puts all those boys to shame. So BUGGAR OFF!!!

Whew, much better.

To combat my feelings of chubby insignificance, I covered myself with a sarong and found a small corner next to a Japanese couple and a fat German guy and his Thai "girlfriend."

Bored of this after about an hour, I said "sod it" and walked further down, entranced by the "Best of the Police" coming from a place called "Ciao Bella Restaurant." Nothing like "Message in a Bottle," to make one feel better about things. I sat at the bar for about 5 minutes and then this guy, oddly enough who looked like "Sting" came up and asked me if I wanted to join his group. "I'm Tom...Tom Cruise." Ok, well, later he became "Tom the collector" because he was genius for grabbing wayward orphans and bringing them into the fold. Allegedly, he played the shark-bitten Swedish guy in the movie but I'll have to re-rent to believe it.

Anyway, that's how I met my Ukranian girls, Valerie and Julia, who would prove to be one of the highlights of my stay. It was an international cast of characters, debating the world's events and clinking cups to "cheers" in several languages every five minutes. Of course, no international sit-down would be complete without the requisite "America bashing" but in fairness, these days it happens less and less. "Yes, I know Americans don't travel," I finally said "but I do and I'm here so shut your pie-hole."

The next two days went down the same way, we all met in the same spot, met at the Tiger bar at night and I still couldn't ever EVER find my way home. It was becoming a joke. I did hear later that I wasn't the only person who suffered this fate, but it still didn't make me feel any less retarded.

The last day, I went to get my feet nibbled-on by flesh-eating fish, sat around the Monkey Bar until the fumes made me dizzy, found the crew, then just hung out with Winnie. We ended up dancing together at Ibiza Beach Bar until some guy thought we were lesbians, then she started crying because I guess she liked him and I wiped her face-painted tears until the bars shut-down. I realized it was time to go.

Next day, I was feeling a bit rough, so I packed my bag and headed to Winnie's to wait upon my 2:30 ferry. Luckily, three of the London boys I had been chatting to the first night were also waiting for their ferry so, all of us green in the gills, we had a nice chat, took photos of the legend and her staff, and without regret, I finally said ADIEU Pee Pee. Nice to meet you but I think I'll pass next time. No offense, but not my scene. If I could do it again, it would be Patong 5 days, Pee Pee 2. The best bit is that I WILL be back and I WILL do it again, just my way.

Next installment: "The Last 48."

How Gina Got Her Groove Back-Part Two

PATONG

The morning following the Night Bazaar shop-a-thon part deux, I immediately dumped all of my old crappy sundresses. My feeling is that when you take on weight, you must also get rid and my dresses were old and haggard anyway. My flight to Phuket was scheduled to leave at 12:35 so I had my transfer there at 11 and off we went to Chiang Mai airport. I was a little bit nervous about the time crunch but it was about a 15 minute drive and the easiest check-in of my life. I somehow ended up in business class, which is another reason book must sell. Pure Heaven! I was first in line, got to hang out in the "lounge" (which was full of stuffy-types but had free food and tea.) First on the plane, nice seat and bag first to arrive as well. It was 2 hours of bliss.

Arrived in Phuket around 2:30 and hired a metered taxi to get me to my guesthouse in Patong Beach. Never made it to Phuket Town, but will next time. (More on that later!) My cab driver, Mr. Kasam Tabjit, was in a very pleasant mood as he was headed to Krabi for some R & R with the Mrs. About 45 minutes later, we arrived at Priew Wan Guesthouse and I checked-in. It was located in a little ally just off the main road going into Patong, he didn't even know where it was, but it ended up being my favorite place of my entire trip. Run by a family, the little 7 year-old daughter gave me my keys and then her dad led me to my room which was on the top floor. TOP floor and it was hot and muggy but I was used to it after my leisurely trek through the hills of the North.

I quickly threw on my old crappy bathers and headed to the beach. At first I was a bit put-off, it seemed so cheesy and touristy and resorty and I thought I was trapped in a Vegas-style hell-hole for two days. Again, as I mentioned previously, I changed my mind for many reasons and will surely return. After all, this was a fact-finding mission and it really comes down to personal choice and one's state of mind. I booked through Vancouver Keith, the same dude from BKK, who swore I would hate Patong and love Phi Phi and my standing orders were as follows: "I DO NOT WANT SPRING BREAK OR A PLACE WHERE I HAVE TO SIT AND WATCH HONEYMOONERS SWALLOW EACH OTHER!" As it turned out, Patong was just in the middle but I had to experience things myself to make my final answer.

Walked along the esplanade and found the beach, along with one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen. Up there with Pacifica and Darwin, Australia. (It's the only good thing about Darwin!) It was quiet with chairs and cabana boys and I already had the following day planned: do nothing!

I found a great little shop with hats and sunglasses and cute bikini's and since my haggling skills were freshly honed, I was able to score pretty well, as I listened in on the conversation with a dude who bought some stuff before I got there. New sunscreen bottle and I was good to go. Shoved it all in my backpack and walked around. I believe this was when I posted something about being dropped in a big vat of fondue! Which, was true. It did look a little like Vegas but it was my first night and I was still trying to suss out the geography.

Bored and feeling as though I had been dipped in a vat of man-repellent, I wandered home fairly early and discovered a little outdoor joint right by my place called "Sugar Beer Bar." Same kind of vibe as Tilac, only smaller. I walked up and ordered a Singah and discovered a rather large group of gents and upon further review of the accent, realized they were from the Midlands. They were there on annual golfing holiday and the reason I figured this out was they told me they had been to Phoenix. There is only one reason to go there for 10 days and I was right. I was a bit scared at first, because I understand the whole "stag party" mentality all too well and have learned to run for the hills when I see one approach. But these guys were lovely, most all of them in their 50's/60's and hilarious to watch with the girls. I hunkered-down there for the evening, as it was close to my place and I had some serious tanning to accomplish the next day so I didn't want to wander off and get into trouble.

My plan worked perfectly, I got up early and headed down to the beach just in time to find a spot close to a potty, a cabana boy and the perfect view. The only view I didn't care for was the Euro-jelly belly banana hammock vista, but really....I didn't care. Made me look HOT!

After hours toggling back and forth between some serious drooling and walks up and down the beach it was time to head back to clean up for the night.

On my way back, I saw the lads post-18th so I stopped in for a can and the next thing I know, I'm having a dance-off with Kevin, the bloke affectionately known as "SHREK." Now, when I say he looks like Shrek, I am not joking one bit. Add the green and he literally could be living in a forest by a bog. But, as the universe often does giveth and taketh away, he was blessed with the ability to dance like Justin Timberlake. We got our freak-on to "In the Club" and I got cheers all -around for that one. It was a blast and dammit! I didn't have my camera.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful, the hike must have caught up to me and I did have a massage which put me to sleep. I had to catch the ferry to Ko Phi Phi anyway, so I called it an early night and got my sleep on for the impending adventure ahead.

How Gina Got Her Groove Back-Part One

First I must apologize for my lack of blogging during my trip. You see, I was quite literally "blogging" in my head the entire time, which probably gave the impression I suffered from acute Touret's syndrome, as I walked down the street laughing to myself and even worse, "blogging" aloud. But getting my arse to an Internet cafe when the sun was shining and there were people to watch proved to be a grueling task so I just gave-up. Therefore, I will try to channel my trip, through the haze of memory and the crinkled-up, scribbled-on bar napkins that have been suffocating at the bottom of my duffel bag for the past two weeks.

I believe I last left off after the overnight train ride to Chiang Mai, which was really quite lovely. I wish I could have been tucked into a train cabin with two cans of Tiger beer and a purple pill coming from San Francisco to Bangkok but then again, why miss out on 24 hours of China Air!?

CHIANG MAI

I walked out of the train and was greeted by a guy from BMP Guesthouse, which was to be my home for three nights. Well, not really. I decided to be extra ambitious and book a "trek" to the mountains to spend a night with natives from a tiny village or "Karen." I checked in, chucked my bag on my bed and promptly went-off for a walkabout. I walked and walked, etc, for about 7 hours. Stopping, of course, every hour for a bit of street food and a cold Chang. Finally, I arrived at a little outdoor joint called "Scott's Place" owned, obviously, by an ex-pat named...well, "Scott." As became the norm, he listed off all the things I should accomplish while there...cooking classes, massage classes at WAT POA, a visit to Old Chiang Mai, a day at Doi Inthanon, etc. As I sat there pondering the next day ahead, I realized that tromping through the woods would be a lot, and as I had a meeting with the "guides" that evening, I thought better of it and just decided to hit the famous Night Bazaar for a shopping bender. Anyone who knows me, understands that "shopping" is not on my top ten list of fun things to do, especially when haggling is involved. However, I was told that things were cheaper in the North so I planned for it.

After Scott's place, I went back to the guesthouse to find a little group gathering outside, which I assumed was the few that were trekking. There was Markus and Cornelia from Vienna, and Valerio from Italy...who was soooooooooooooo Italian. Super tan, Capri pants, espadrilles..etc. We met our guides and they gave us a list of what to bring for the trek. I had signed up for just one night and two days, but the others went for the whole three days. I was warned that the weather was colder up in the hills so I brought a hoodie and jeans, but barely took anything because I had this strong feeling that the "hike" was a typical Thai understatement. Just like the tour to the floating market, which took 6 hours and had me switching tour vans faster than changing brands of beer.

Meeting adjourned, we planned to gather in the morning at 9 so I boogied off for my adventure in the Bazaar with Valerio in-tow. Realizing that shopping alone was annoying enough, I bid V a nice "ciao" and headed off into the crowd sola to face the BAHT and impending bout of haggling, which I was dreading to no end.

Before I get to the lame way I ended up "bargaining," I must regale you with a slightly humiliating story, so I apologize in-advance if I sound crass but the details are quite relevant to the tale.. As I walked-along the streets casing my prey in my new multi-pocketed cargo pants, I realized that my travel-belly might be rearing it's ugly head and decided to make a bee-line for the nearest potty. When one is traveling in another country, one never knows about the bog situation so I found a nice mall and quickly....and I DO mean post-haste....RAN to the public toilet, which looked clean and fabulous. Ok, so I made it on-time and all was well with the universe when I looked around and discovered that, of course, there was no paper. Not that they were OUT of paper, but there was NO PAPER at all. No dispenser, no one with whom to "spare a square..." NADA. I just sat there banging my head against the wall for forgetting to bring a little roll in my pocket and wondered what the hell I was going to do. I couldn't just "wiggle" and hope for the best. I finally looked around and discovered a hose attached to the wall and it occurred to me that all of the toilet hoses I had seen were for...well, let's just call them the "ghetto bidet." So, my friends, yes indeed. I had to hose myself off and walk around with a damp bum for about 20 minutes and that is all I am ever going to say about that.

Back to my haggling skills, or lack thereof. I realized quickly I was never going to win the game, especially because I didn't know what things should really cost. I wanted to find a local and just pay them to go with me, but that would cost me too so I just took a deep breath and went for it. It never worked. Finally, I decided to play my own game of "stupid tourist" and put my cargo pants to work. I went to an Irish pub, tucked into the bathroom (which BTW had paper) and divided my money into the seven pockets, memorizing the amounts in each. I then walked up to the vendors who had what I wanted and when they offered me a price, I just feigned ignorance and pulled out less than they asked. Worked like a charm folks, and I ended up with gifts for the family and 5 fabulous sexy dresses that served me well throughout the rest of my trip!

TREKKING

The next morning we all met for coffee and toast and jumped into the back of a truck ready for adventure. We met up with an Aussie couple Ian and "B" and, after stopping for supplies, headed up into the mountains. It was a nice drive, about two hours of back roads until we ended at a trail head, greeted by a 60 year-oldvillager wearing flip-flops and carrying a hand-made wicker basket. He proved to be our Sherpa, carrying ALL of our food and supplies. We met with a second group and headed up the "hill."

I quickly picked-up on the fact that we were in for it. First of all, yet again, it wasn't quite explained that it would be a BIG HIKE, and this was coming from every single hiker. Americans, Brits, our gang and a really cute girl from Finland. I've lived in San Francisco, hiked in Pacifica for years and climbed Half-Dome so knew how to pace myself. Not so for the hung-over, de-hydrated youngsters around me. As I watched our guide "Mr. Sayan" or "Promise" lead us up hill after mountain trail, after steep crevasse in $3 flip-flops singing "Hey Jude" repeatedly without so much as breaking a sweat, I had to laugh. After 5 hours of listening to the agonizing moans of my compatriots, we finally reached the "village."

THE VILLAGE

We arrived at the "Karen" to find three huts. One, with wooden floors, used sleeping bags and mosquito nets which was to be our luxury accommodations for the evening. All of us sleeping cozily side-by-side in our sweaty, farty, snoring glory. I ran in and quickly chose the "bed" nearest the door for air and the ability to escape. I was smart enough to down a few Immodiums on the way, as I was not going to relive the earlier potty episode in the Thai wilderness. Which brings me to the second hut: yes, the potty was made of porcelain, but it was in the floor of the hut next to a bucket of water. Essentially, one must straddle said bowl standing then squatting and use said bucket to manually flush. In hut number three was a tube attached to a hose and this was the shower. I opted for an Army bath and decided to smell as I was only there for one night and johnny buzz-saw next to me was going to have to suffer because I wasn't interested. Clearly, I'm not afraid of dirt having lived at Burning Man and Reggae, but I detest cold showers and would rather attract flies than suffer that fate. Speaking of flies, well. Use your imagination.

I did meet a little five year-old girl who seemed to take a liking to me. We played Pattie-cake and made faces at each other and then I gave her a peace-chain and I guess later-on she was spotted running around the village showing it to everyone like it was the most precious thing she had. OF COURSE I GOT A TEAR! (Thanks Joe Murphy again, for your work. I ended up giving about 20 of those away. http://www.peace-chain.com/)

As most of you know, I am a camper and love the outdoors so I was fine with the entire affair. Vienna, Italy and Finland, however, were NOT. In fact, they quickly changed their plans to leave the next day and felt they weren't properly warned about the degree of difficulty. We then sprayed ourselves silly with citronella, shared a lovely meal, downed a few beers and had a great conversation. I decided to go to bed early, as I knew what lie ahead but the rest sat up all night drinking and swapping travel stories. One crazy kid even brought a bottle of Smirnoff and downed it like it was water. I'm gagging just thinking about it. The guides, as it turned out, were from the village, and through smoke-induced giggles, one told of the wedding tradition that still has me laughing. I guess, by the age of 15, a girl is supposed to chose her mate. Her family brings gifts and he is then left to decide if he is down with that and can take up to a week to give an answer. He giggled some more, as he told us that he lives in the city and wants to marry a westerner. All of us looked away quickly and I'm still not sure if he was just trying to have a laugh but it got silent quickly.

In the middle of the night, the lad next to me quickly went from "Snoring Sam" to Cuddling Charlie," but was completely unaware of the fact so I kept trying to gently move him over but he was about 6'4" and it was no use so I just lie there, face squashed up against the hut, trying to breathe. Every time I moved he followed me so I just gave up. Then, Seattle Dave (vodka boy) kept saying something about a rat eating his banana and I thought he must have been chewing opium. All in all, a pretty restful sleep but I am used to sleeping on floors. Not so much for the rest as they bitched the rest of the way down the mountain the whole next day. Poor Markus had dysentery and begged to be airlifted out of there. "Where is the nearest road, can we just get a ride?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Sorry mate, not that kinda place.

After another 5 hours, and a lost contact lens, we were met by a truck and all of the sudden we were eating hot food, bamboo rafting (Valerio quickly stood up and tried to steer a raft, which proved disastrous) and riding elephants. I have mixed feelings about the elephant thing, so before my PETA friends get all freaked out...I felt guilty about it. But I was alone on a baby and she was so cute. Ah well, first and last time. Enough said.

We got back into town around 5 and for some odd reason, Promise, who is around 23...I think, anyway, he told me he would take me to get a nice massage. I thought "Ok, local cat...knows what he is doing, etc." He shows up an hour later on a scooter and drives me around the corner for a massage. Then, he picks me back up and says "I'll take you to the market." I thought it would be cool so he could haggle with me but then I immediately picked up on his state of mind by the state of his eyeballs and in fairness, I support the chronic but not when I'm running around a market. So, I paid him 100 BAHT and thanked him for the ride and ran off into the night.

Had an early one, back to guesthouse and packed my beautiful new gear for the next journey: Phuket and Patong Beach, which will be in the next installment of HGGHGB.

LESSONS LEARNED:

If they say it's going to be "about 44 minutes..." double it.

Bring your own T.P. ALL OF THE TIME!

Chang Beer is stronger than the others.

Swallow as much Immodium as you can before you Trek.

If you hate to haggle, my system worked brilliantly!

Stay longer up North, if you can. It's cheap and lovely. I want to go back and take massage classes. Heck, just stay longer in Thailand.

The Accidental Tourist

Alas, I have temporarily lost my edge and become what I have worked years to eschew. I have become a "tourist." In all fairness, the last 3 months of my life have been a tad challenging and I was otherwise detained mentally. Still, the feeling leaves me frustrated and somewhat devolved. Bad airline purchase, too much on hotel, Tuk Tuk rip-offs, etc.

I'm in Phuket now, summoning my strength and finally have mastered the art of haggling. More on that later.

I left this post last in the internet cafe, in Bangkok, Sukumvit, near my hotel on Soi 23. The internet cafe was atop a family run Indian restaurant, which by the looks of things was a great idea because I am convinced the computers upstairs bring in more money as I never once saw a table full, or even partially full, of diners. As I last posted, Howie had unexpectedly shown up and we quickly went for a pint then thought eating was a good idea. As I am a bit less of a "sit-down" eater here I was ok with some street food of BBQ pork and/or a big bowl of noodles but we thought it might be nice to visit Bob Vaughn at his newly opened "Los Cabos"to give him a boost. I am a sucker for a San Franciscan who is trying to make it good elsewhere, and also having been in the biz all my life just feel compelled to help out. And yet, spending 500 BAHT on two tacos and a beer gave me a bit of indigestion. (Let me state for the record that the food was amazing, so there.)

This leads me to my next point and a bit of explaining about temporarily losing my "traveler" status. I have been so busy taking care of things at home and moving, etc., that I am sure I just went into some haze when I booked said trip and continued my naivite' forthwith during the first 5 days of being here. I literally should have just walked around giving my money away for the idiotic decision-making in which I engaged. Oh yeah...laugh all of you veterans! 500 BAHT for a tuk tuk who "tuk" me for a ride both literally and figuratively. Plus, I hate haggling, as I said and am just a girl who is genetically pre-disposed to avoid arguing. (Unless I am on a debate team, or some such thing.) My frustration has finally turned to savvy and have also figured out a way to haggle. More on that later as well.

So, after Howie and I said good-bye Sunday night, I walked by "Tilac" bar, the one with the girls who loved me and sure enough they all came bounding out "gina gina" and hugging me, etc. Decided to take photos and order a beer then of course decided to buy them all shots and that set me back 800 BAHT but what the hell. I worked my whole life for tips, so I guess the tipping Karma was coming around and it was my turn.

Got a massage then went to 7-11 to buy bug repellent and a four-pack of SINGHA, then found a great BBQ street vendor next to my hotel. As I waited I just decided that they looked thirsty so I gave away three beers and kept one for myself to drink with dinner. I think they liked the beer, because for 30 BAHT I got a big slab of juicy pork long beans and cabbage. That was the beginning of the impending tuk tuk Karma that would follow me to this moment.

Slept well, got up and worked out, went for a swim and decided to go to Bo Bae market as I was obsessing on cargo pants and needed them desperately.

Was bored and suspect of Tuk Tuk so I decided to take a scooter taxi (mom, you might want to skip this part) and for 100 BAHT got on the back of some crazy scooter, went to market, procured said pants and returned without incident. I finally felt like a local.

Took a taxi to TAT office and bought more tickets and got train ticket. While I waited for Vancouver keith to organize my stuff, I thought I would meander through the neighborhood, which was industrial and a bit ghetto-ish but I like this kind of place because it is the real deal.

Saw a family sitting in a...well, cafe is too posh, but a metal hut with an old fridge and some plastic tables and a door leading somewhere. Granny, grandpa, auntie, two babies, and then mom and son came in a bit later. For 20 BAHT, I got a frozen SINGHA, which was great because it was hot and it melted quickly. The started shouting at me in Thai...it was hilarious. "USA! hahahahahah!!!!!" Yep, that's me. USA!

THE TRAIN
The overnight train to Chiang Mai was right around the corner and Keith walked me halfway...really easy and nice. I sat down with my water and a small Chang beer I bought from the family and was joined by the loveliest lady named Nancy who shared her dinner with me and then proceeded to crack open a Heineken and toasted me. This wouldn't seem odd but Nancy, or "Dr. Nongnuch Jiraveerkul" seemed quite proper and there she was earning a million points for cracking open a cold one. Brava!

Then, Paolo and Sara from the floating market tour just showed up out of nowhere and there we all were reliving the day and sitting on a train bound for Chiang Mai.

Promptly at 10 p.m. this tiny woman with a germ mask came around and turned all of our seats into beds and I slept like a little baby for the whole 8 hours. I did, I confess, have help from a little purple pill which I bought at a Chemist for cheap and I am convinced that if one needs a pharmacy or a doctor or especially a dentist, Thailand is the place to come.

As it is getting late and I'm a bit lost, I will close for now. Suffice to say that I have been to Vegas, Amsterdam...hell, I lived in a tourist neighborhood for two years. BUT, this is the most hilarious...cheesy/douchy place I have ever visited. I mean, it's so cheese that I have to laugh. Pure Velveeta. No, maybe so cheesy that it's fondue. Yes...a big vat of fondue.

Will finish up Chiang Mai and mountain tribe/trekking experience tomorrow! Did manage to buy a cool bikini. Beach all day tomorrow. ALL DAY!

Wild, Weird and Wonderful Bangkok...

So much to say and all of it banging around in my head like a metal sphere in a pinball machine. I'm exhausted and it's only been 48 hours. Pushing to the limits, always. Otherwise, it wouldn't be me.


I left Wednesday night, the sixth which seems like either five minutes ago or five weeks. China Air isn't what I would call the BEST carrier with whom I have ever flown, but it was cheap and other than the gaggle of screaming toddlers and the waft of the lavatory which was stationed directly behind me...(frankly my olfactory senses were put through a rigorous test, and won't be forgiving me anytime soon for picking seat 46 C.) Managed to sleep for most of it, then landed in Taipei, which is worth skipping if you are interested. Then, I got a nifty surprise..a random stop in Hong Kong. I must have been under duress when I booked my flight, as I never would have entertained that journey, which put me at about 24 hours en route. Nonetheless, I made the best of it by running to the nearest caviar booth and ordered a Stella, which in my universe, constitutes a proper "visit" or is just a half a point towards putting said city on my map of conquest. BEER = VISIT! It also cost me around $20. Still pondering that decision, but it sure went down well.


Got through immigration and customs in record time and even my bag was among the first off the plane. Walked outside to the 89 degree humidity and ordered a cab to Sukumvit...Hotel Citadines, Soi 3. Seemed easy enough but my Laotian cab driver had no idea where this was. He also had no idea that I didn't speak a word of...erm, Laotian/Thai...uh, something? He just kept chatting away which I thought hilarious so I started chatting to him in Spanish just to keep the party rolling. The only English he knew was "TOO MUCH BAHT!" and "THAILAND TRAFFIC BAD!" We sat for an hour in Bangkok traffic and I just smiled because for this girl, arriving in a new city is up there with shagging and a good meal at Frascati.






Finally arrived at hotel where I was greeted by a smiling and very buzzed Howie, who whisked me away to his friends restaurant on SOI 16 called Los Cabos. No, I wasn't in the mood for Mexican and I don't drink Tequila but I played nice because it's Howie and I was too tired to care. Met Bob Vaughn, who is a and ex-Pat from SF and a gem of a gent. Happy hour was lovely, broke-down and shared guac and chips and feasted on ribs and quesadillas. Was dying for some street food but didn't argue. That was to come.






Lost Howie to a massage, so I opted to get back to hotel room and freshen. Since I was running on fumes, I acquiesced to an early night, but needed to at least get a glimpse of this crazy city.


I quickly realized that being a Western woman in this town, well, at least in this neighborhood, I had absolutely no game. None. No one wanted to talk to me, which honestly was fine because for once I wasn't in the mood to flirt and/or stave-off attention. However, I didn't want to sit in my room so I walked over to the mini red-light area, took a deep breath, held my head up high and dove right on in.



I found a little out-door bar with about 15 working women...well, working, and stood out like a nun at a gay bar. I got some pretty odd looks but never to be deterred, I just ordered a beer and asked if I could sit down and watch the Premier League game that was blaring from the flat screen above. I paid my 150 BAHT and tipped 50 BAHT to get on the good side of MAI, who I affectionately referred to as "Big Mamma." I also quickly learned there is a hierarchy to the entire affair. Big Mamma was boss and in charge of the money. Then, there are about 5 "Aunties" who look after the bar. The next group are younger girls who bring the drinks to the tables. Finally, there is a group of girls who dress in mini skirts, go-go boots and bikini tops who dance, and well, etc. I offered up a peace-chain (in Thai of course) http://www.peace-chain.com/ and the next thing I knew, I was being massaged, my hair was braided and I became the mascot of the bunch. I decided it was my best course of action if I were to gain any respect in this world run by women. Oh, I also bought 12 shots of Whisky, which didn't hurt my reputation. I was glad I could contribute to the economy and made a few friends in the process. I also learned that I would forever be referred to as "madame." Everyone called me madame. Pronounced "Jean-Claude Van MA-damme." You get the picture.



I then took a Tuk Tuk ride all over the city for an hour and was certainly over-charged but that is usual for me on the first night in a new city with weird money and complete oblivion to the exchange rate. He even tried to take me to an expensive spa but I had enough wits about me to say no.





Bloated, beleaguered and buzzed, I went back to my neighborhood and for 400 BAHT, roughly $12, got an hour-long oily massage and fell asleep, only to wake up covered in drool and certain I snored throughout.


I then promptly passed ton my beautiful fluffy bed, only to wake up at 2 a.m., jet-lagged but oh so happy to be where I was.



I wandered out on Saturday morning, around 7:30, just to get my bearings and just in time to smell the left-over stench from the previous hours of debauchery. As I walked under the sky train, I was accosted by a "Mr. Mongkol," who as it turns out, works for the Information Ministry. He took me to 7-11 to get water and then gave me his number in case I needed his help. REALLY? Odd. but so nice. I still can't figure out what his motives were. Was he being pervvy or genuinely nice? I ran into him about 5 more times, and he kept asking me if I needed anything and then I finally said "ok, I want to go to the floating market" so he hired me a Tuk Tuk dude, named Mr. Velapon, who whisked me to the Tourism office, where I booked the rest of my trip. Then, Mr. Velaphon took me to the same spa as rip-off guy and I felt so bad that I just went and spent too much and was slightly annoyed but got over it quickly. As for Mr. Velapon, I am sure that I made a critical error in judgement when I gave him 100 BAHT and told him to go and have some lunch while he waited for me at the spa. I am now convinced that he thought, and still thinks, I was paying him for services rendered and now I am a stupid cheap American girl and forever will be known as such. Crap...I keep looking for him or at least Mr. Monkgol, to salvage my battered reputation and even worse, bad Karma, but alas, nothing I can do now.





Let it be written now and forever, I TRIED!


I proceeded to go back to my room for a 4 p.m. cat nap which turned into a 14 hour R.E.M. festival. Drank a gallon of water when I woke up, which was 4 a.m. Showered then got ready for Floating Market tour, which began promptly at 6:30.


I'm not one for tours, EVER! but the market is way out of town and it seemed like the right thing at the time. However, it turned out that we were stuck in the van for most of it, which stopped at every side show in central Thailand. Snakes, Elephants, Crocodiles, Mongoose, OH MY!





The van was comprised of two Norwegian kids, a couple dudes from the Sudan, two girls from China, an Indian guy and a bunch of Italians. Floating Market was amazing and cannot be sufficiently described through words. Will post photos upon my return. It was amazing and I ate something from every floating stall and canoe I could find. Food is cheap and tasty here and I could live on every dish. I am a big fan of soup for breakfast now. 25 BAHT= .75 cents.




After the snake show, I was transferred to 3 other vans and was starting to get a little tired of it when I somehow arrived back in my 'hood, just in time for Happy Hour and a cold Tiger beer.


This is a wacky town, and I laugh at every turn. Big German men in their sandals and Bermuda shorts dot the streets and corners, looking for fun and temporary girlfriends. Cute little Thai girls walk around in sor shorts, with sandals and VERY long toenails, always polished with some kind of decoration. One trend I've noticed is the "reverse mullet." Picture a beautiful Thai girl coming at you with long, flowing hair down to her waist. She turns around, and WHOA! Precision bob. So, I guess it's "party in the front, business in the back!"


So wacky. And strangely cute.


I'm just back from tour, about to go and gorge on more street food, I had my eye on some satay from a vendor across the street, and maybe more noodles. Who knows? I'm also going to work out at the hotel gym, to compensate for the beer bloat and general malaise that comes with the afternoon. Howie and I will share a dinner and say goodbye tonight, he is leaving for Ho Chi Minh City and I am taking the night train to Chiang Mai tomorrow where I will go on a trek and stay in a hammock with a mountain tribe. That is the plan anyway. I am also hitting the BOBE market tomorrow where I will buy some cargo pants. Need them for the Trek and will save the rest of my shopping for Night Market in Chiang Mai. SWEET! Sister and mom will be easy to shop for...dad, well. I keep looking. I have many choices, one can buy almost anything ont he street including Viagra and numchuks.



Will try to post again from CM, staying at a great guest house, where I am sure to run into a band of Aussies and some random "others." Looking forward to meeting people. Forgot what it's like to be a chick traveling solo. Don't mind it, but it's odd. Lots of stares and people telling me to either be careful, or that I am really brave. Maybe I'm just crazy.

Having a blast, finding my chi again but I've already chalked this trip up to a scouting event, a primer if you will. The next time it's ASIAPOLLUZA!!!

Hope this finds you well.

Laters!